I was reminded yesterday at how difficult and exhausting, yet fulfilling and satisfying, life can be. I drove up to Puyallup, WA, which is about a two and a half hour drive from Vancouver, to video a church service for a project that I am working on. While taking a moment to interview the pastor, he mentioned something that forced me into reflection and silence the rest of the day: “life is like walking on a razor’s edge, and we need people that walk with us, that encourage us, pick us up when we fall, and keep us from giving up, failing miserably, and hurting others.”
I drove home in silence, thinking about the razor’s edge I walk upon. I often get worn out and tired, questioning whether I am moving in the right direction. I feel like I fall, stumble and get cut more than I would like. Times of loneliness and depression seem to outweigh the times of happiness and social fulfillment. I question whether I have people that walk with me, encouraging me, picking me up when I fall, keeping me from giving up, failing, and hurting.
I know I have people in my life, but do I let them enter into my life, dreams and activities?
I feel the razor’s edge this year more than I ever have before. I feel ready to throw in the towel on running my own business. I feel beat up and exhausted. Words flow through my mind as I attempt to describe how I feel: Fraud, failure, loser, whiner, procrastinator, lazy meat bag. The razor becomes sharper with those words.
The more I feel the razor’s edge, the less I think of the successes. The people I have met, the skills learned, the projects in process. Why don’t those successes matter more to me than the pain accumulated over the years? Because I am quick to forget, that’s why. And as I remind myself, it leads me to a few truths:
Truth #1 is that I need people. That has been the continued learning point of my life this entire year. Regardless of whether that means I look to hire someone to help me in my business pursuits, or I join someone else’s team to help them, I need to no longer be isolated in my head and in my home. This pursuit of others is leading me to open myself up, sharing dreams and thoughts, and becoming an introverted extrovert.
Truth #2 is that life is short. It could end today, tomorrow, or in 50 years. All I know is that when I am on my deathbed, I want to be surrounded with people that I love and love me in return.
Truth #3 is that walking on the razor’s edge is the only way to live life. Life is painful and you can never remove pain, you can only learn to live with it. This is where my idealism gets me into trouble. I start thinking that if I felt no pain, life would be perfect. But life will never be perfect this side of heaven.
That is why we need to walk together, holding each other up as our feet bleed and our souls weep. Limping and crawling forward, trying to make sense of the future before and the past behind, holding on to one another when the surrounding chasms of success and failure threaten our demise.
Are you walking with me?